If you're reading this, I love you! -Thyme
It's like genuinely beyond over.
This decision, honestly, comes very lightly. But it has a long road leading to it so I guess I'll get that part out of the way.
To be clear, there are many times and many days where I love being alive. I love life. I love the people I've surrounded myself with. This has nothing to do with that or with them. The issue here is that I will never, not in a million trillion years, be happy. See, I sometimes trick myself into thinking I'm happy, but I know it's a lie when I think it and I know it's a lie when I say it to others. "I'm happy," she says. Okay whatever you say, lady. I'm not fucking happy. I'm miserable. I'm in debt up to my ears because I went to college for a fucking Communication degree like an idiot. I don't even work in that field like what the hell is going on. Further more, my BPD has become seemingly unmanageable. That's another thing I lie about. I always tell my partners I'm working on it, and I am, but the work is meaningless. I know as long as I have Jacob and Myth in my life, I will never be stable. I love them too much. I love them so much that I, while suffering from BPD, decided it would be a great idea to tear my life to pieces and move from New Jersey to Michigan to live with Jacob. We had only been dating for less than two months when the move actually happened. I'm sick in the fucking head. I'm miserable to be around. All I do is hurt the people I love and I'm fucking tired of it.
But anyway, another reason I can't fucking do this anymore is because of my crippling addiction to nicotine. That sounds so fucking stupid and it is! I've been addicted to a bunch of other shit in the past, oxy and xanax were my best friends in college, and I've been able to shake all of that through sheer will and determination. But for some god forsaken reason, I can't stop fucking vaping! It's humiliating! What adult can't go fucking two hours without her fucking bright pink fucking berry flavored vape. Get a fucking grip jesus fucking christ.
But the inciting incident? The thing that made all of this possible? You're gonna laugh! You see, I've been trans in one way or another since 2014. 12 years. I've wanted to inject estrogen into my body for twelve entire years. Damn near half of my life. And I never had the courage, nor the money nor the support system, to actually go through with it until now, living in Michigan with one of my partners. This past Saturday, I had a video call with a doctor from Planned Parenthood, and she quickly prescribed me with Estradiol Valerate (liquid injection form of estrogen). However, after a few shenanigans from me, the pharmacy, and the insurance company, I wasn't able to actually obtain the estrogen until today, Thursday. Now this was already causing me a large amount of grief, I had waited so very long for this miracle drug. This solution to all of my problems. Maybe I could be normal if I only had a hot pair of tits strapped to my chest! But alas, I had to wait. I had one, if not two, if not three, BPD related crashouts which I think stem from this disappointment. But whatever, I got the drug today! Yippee! Fantastic! I can finally become a woman! WRONG!
You see, when I got home with my shiny new vial of girl juice, I went straight up to my room, pulled out my insulin needles (which I used exclusively for my black market GLP-1 drug usage because I am a fucking monster and part of the problem), and tried to draw it. It didn't go well. The needle was too small in diameter to actually extract the viscous fluid out of the vial. So I got sad and almost cried blah blah blah. I ended up locking in and going back to the pharmacy and buying the right needles and syringes for the job. I rush back home, reignited by my need to become a woman. I pulled down my pants, cleaned the area with an alcohol swab, drew the medicine (successfully this time), and stuck it right into my thigh. I dispensed the drug and waited ten seconds before removing the needle from my flesh. I had done it. I had taken the first step. I was transitioning. WRONGGGGGG!!!!!
What happened next was quite silly, all things considered. You see, the site began to bleed. No biggie, right? Wrong. It wasn't only blood. It was also my fucking estrogen. I watched in horror as all 0.15 mL of estrogen flooded out of my injection site. There it went. All my hard work. All the years I had spent yearning and working, finally getting to a place of stability where I could afford this, it was all wasted in an instant.
Now, logically I'm hyper aware of the fact that this is not necessarily and "end of the world" scenario. Everything on paper seems to just be a shitty situation. Just try again next week! You've waited all this time you can wait one more week! No I cannot. It's fucking over. That was a sign, the last sign. I will never be a woman. I will always be a fat, ugly, balding, hairy man with an inability to regulate my emotions and a lack of empathy for others. I am a monster. I am a fucked up piece of shit and my wonderful partners, family, and community deserve so much better than me.
So anyway, I'm killing myself for an admittedly stupid reason. I know that. But it's still happening. I'm tired. I've worked so hard. I deserve to rest. I'd like to take some time and thank the people who made life worth living for as long as it was.
I'd like to first and foremost thank my parents and the rest of my close family. Thank you for raising me to the best of your ability and loving me unconditionally. You taught me that perfection was a myth and life is so much more fun without expecting perfection. I would like to also thank Jacob and Myth. You two are the loves of my life. Jacob, you are the epitome of a quirked up white boy with a little bit of swagger. You were genuinely the wind in my sails. You pushed me forward when I thought I couldn't do it anymore. You believed in me when I couldn't. The passion we shared was otherwordly. I love you. Myth, you were my rock. You would hold a mirror up to me and show me how beautiful I was. You showed me that math could be beautiful. You showed me that the future was something worth looking towards. I would have loved growing old with you. I love you. I love both of you so much, and I hope you will support each other through this betrayal.
To the rest of my friends, and I am fortunate to have too many to name, thank you. Thank you for many life fun. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for sticking it out when things got difficult. I hope you will cherish the fun we've had, and I wish more than anything that you all make so many beautiful memories after this.
While this isn't a legal will or whatever, give my books to BookSmiles and my computer to Myth. Give my tarot decks to Maddy. Give my whatever else to whoever needs it. Jacob, you get my life insurance if it gets paid out. If it doesn't, holy fuck I'm so sorry. Otherwise, I leave Archie and Coby to you. I know it's not much but they are both everything to me.
Thank you all. Goodbye. -Thymus Vulgaris